While overseas, Nicole did her job and focused on surviving. Back home, her children were affected by the stresses of having two military parents. When she returned, Nicole came face-to-face with her families’ challenges and had to deal with her own issues, too. Learn how Nicole found support and resources for herself and ways to help her family thrive.
View Video TranscriptNicole:
My name is Nicole. I'm currently a Master Sergeant in Air Force Reserves. I served fifteen years, active Army. Actually, I met my husband on a train up for deployment out in California. My husband and I both were called to deploy to Bosnia. We were gonna to be going at the same time. I had just got stationed at Fort Hood. I didn't know a lot of people, so I contacted my mother. She was living in California and she moved to Texas to Fort Hood, moved in and she just kinda stepped in where we left off and we both went off to Bosnia.
We were on a convoy and my young Lieutenant decided that he needed to get out and I was in the vehicle with him and I said, “Hey, stay on the road though” you know, and he didn’t. So, we ended up having to patch him back together because in Bosnia they did a lot of those homemade mines were everywhere.
From that moment on I became a little detached, which of course I brought back into my family too but I just, as a medic, to me, my survival was just to become detached and just be there and just not think, just go straight to step one, step two, step three, step four. And then you think about it afterwards and then you can’t even believe that you saw what you saw or sometimes you don’t even remember some of the things that you saw.
I didn’t realize at the time some of the impacts that were happening with my children. Not understanding that they did worry. That they did have an imagination about what kinds of things could be happening to us while we were away. My daughter kinda became withdrawn a lot. My son acted out a lot. What they tell me now is that they just felt like I was never there. And at that time, they didn’t understand why we were never there.
I began to see that some of those issues were like, wow we are a dual military family, we are always gone. Somebody is always in harm’s way and that’s stressful for anybody no matter the age. I don’t know if I can even put it into words. It’s just there are things about them that I simply just do not know. There are stories that they have that they can laugh about with my mom, that I just, I don’t have that firsthand knowledge of.
After I had my last daughter I had to go Korea when she was six months old, and when I came back on my mid tour at the six-month mark she was a year and she didn’t know me. She wouldn’t come to me and I understood but it was, it was gut-wrenching, really gut-wrenching. I mean I’ve never been afraid to get on a plane and go anywhere knowing I was going to get shot at, but that felt horrible.
When I first got back, actually when I first got out of the Army active duty is when I started using the VA a lot. I was afraid, you hear these horror stories, and I go in the Texas VA system is awesome to me. I mean, I love it. They really listen. Being a medic, I would go in I’d be like, “Okay, this is what’s wrong with me, this is what’s going on.” And they actually treated me like, okay, I can work with you whatever it is that you need.
I think the biggest challenge for me was just the new perspective that you have. Once you’ve gone once, subsequently you know that the same person is not going to come back but the people you leave behind they don’t know that. They don’t realize that, and they expect to be able to pick up right where you left off and that’s not the case. You bring back this perspective of the horror that people can do to each other, of the living conditions that others are in. And when you hear your girlfriend going off about her lip gloss is too shiny or she burnt the chicken, it’s like I know some people who would eat that chicken. And it just becomes irritating and so you kinda of back off a little bit, you don’t really want to be around people. I had to really look at that and kinda try to become a people person again.
My issues kinda manifested in OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. I have to do everything by task the same way, all the time to make sure. It’s like I got to make sure. I take the certain routes when I drive. Things around the house, the cleaning, the dishes. No one likes to put groceries away because I’m going to be mad when there done, and nobody likes to put the dishes away because I’m going to be mad when there done. So, it made for an intimidating household after a while because it’s like, you could never do anything right with me. And everyone, the kids, my husband, felt that way. And I really took a while for me because to me it just made sense, but you know my doc says, “Yeah, you probably got some OCD going on there.” And she said, “Well just try to the medicine, and if it makes a difference then we’ll know.” It’s not like you can test for OCD right? So, I did and actually I’ve been being treated for about three years now and I can tell the difference. I don’t have to attack everything so much. I can sit back and go, okay there’s another way to skin that cat.
I think the biggest thing for me was not listening. Oh no, that’s not it, you don’t know what you’re talking about. But when I actually sat down and started listening to people who love me, tell me, this is what your doing. This is how this is coming out. This is what I think. I was like okay. When you listen to those voices that your affecting that you love then you don’t have any choice but to at least go find out, is there a problem that can be rectified.
The VA and the Professionals there, I’ve had nothing but success. I’ve had nothing but like a love and a personal connection with the people who are treating. They really go out of their way. I mean the phone calls, the letters, the everything, it’s like they’re really putting out that effort to say, “Hey, you’re not alone, come on in.”
Isolation it breeds fear. It breeds sadness. But if you take the opportunity to surround yourself with love, with understanding with the people who really care about you or people who relate to what it is that you are feeling then only good can come from that. No one can do this alone. We went where we went as a team, as a platoon, as a squad and we did it together. So, the only way to overcome what we did together is to continue to work together to do that.
No matter what you may be experiencing, there is support for getting your life on a better track. Many, many Veterans have found the strength to reach out and make the connection.
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If you are experiencing dizziness, lie down for a few minutes with your head slightly elevated. Lifestyle changes such as drinking more water, getting enough rest, and avoiding alcohol or drugs can help. Medications and medical conditions such as heart disease or ear issues can also cause dizziness; consult a medical provider if you get dizzy on a regular basis. If you suddenly lose function in part of your body (e.g., arm weakness, face drooping, difficulty speaking) along with experiencing vertigo, this can indicate a serious problem, such as a stroke. Call 911 and seek medical help immediately. Learn more steps you can take on our Dizziness page.
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A flashback can be distressing for you and those around you. Try grounding yourself by focusing on details of your surroundings or neutral physical sensations, such as the feeling of your feet on the floor. Call someone you trust and tell them what is happening. Your family, friends, or health care provider may be able to provide support and help you deal with your flashbacks. Learn more steps you can take on our Flashbacks page.
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Learn what triggers episodes of noise or light irritation. Try making adjustments to computer and TV screens, and ensure you get the right amount of sleep. If you're taking medication and want to know if it could be affecting your sensitivity to noise or light, talk to your doctor. Certain drugs or medications may cause vision or hearing problems. Never stop taking a prescription without first consulting a medical professional. Learn more steps you can take on our Noise or Light Irritation page.
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Nightmares
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To manage upsetting feelings after a nightmare, focus on what's real by touching and describing objects around you. If you're unable to sleep within 15 minutes, leave your bed briefly to wash your hands or drink water while avoiding any strenuous activity. Also, talk to your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions. Learn more steps you can take on our Nightmares page.
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What can I do about drinking or drug use?
There are many options for Veterans who want to cut down on or stop drinking alcohol or using drugs. One option is counseling, either one-on-one or in a group. Another involves medication to help reduce use. A third option is mutual-help groups. You can work with your doctor or counselor and try different types of treatment to find the one that's best for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Alcohol or Drug Misuse page.
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Gambling
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If I’m experiencing a gambling problem, what can I do about it right away?
The first step in addressing your challenges is to acknowledge that gambling has become a problem in your life and recognize that it is possible to make a change. Practice relaxation exercises such as deep breathing to manage stress and urges to gamble. Spend time with supportive people who do not gamble, and talk with your family, friends, or health care provider about what you're experiencing. They may be able to provide support and help you find solutions that are right for you. Learn more steps you can take on our Gambling page.
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Reckless Behavior
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What can I do if I’ve noticed myself engaging in reckless behavior?
There are ways to prevent yourself from engaging in risky behavior. Plan to avoid situations that might lead to recklessness. For example, leave early or late to avoid rush-hour traffic, or arrange a ride home if you'll be drinking. Talking with your family members, close friends, or a health care provider may help you find support and resources to address your challenges. Learn more steps you can take on our Reckless Behavior page.
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